What would you do?
Its been thirteen years. After a very bad break-up. I was accused, publicly of many terrible things, things that she knew weren’t true. It was as nasty as it gets, and at the time I just wanted to run away from all of it. But I had a year left in law school and I had to live with it for a year.
But its been thirteen years, and now, out of the ether, comes this ex-girlfriend. And after initially talking for an hour, after returning her call, she’s called me ten times in the past few days. Texted me. Left rambling messages. Wants to keep in contact. Doesn’t want to “lose” me again, whatever that means.
Back up.
She is married, very well-off by virtue of that marriage, with two children. She is no longer a lawyer. She owns a pilates studio in Long Island (she was a dance instructor and aerobics teacher when we dated in law school).
She is clearly missing something in her life. She remembers me, in her edited version, fondly – the “love of her life.” I want very little any such regard. As I’ve said numerous times, this isn’t water under the bridge, its water out to sea. Way out.
She’s asked to get together when I am back in NY. Pass. To give me a hug. Double pass.
She is reaching out to me, I believe, because she isn’t thrilled about where her life is right now. Perhaps without passion. Almost certainly. And I am a symbol of when she had passion in her life – when her life wasn’t staid, when it was full of possibility. When she was young and not locked in. When she was in love.
But that was me thirteen years ago. I’m not that person any more either, any more than she is that person. I’ve moved on – and I have no interest in going back in that direction.
So she is reaching out, she wants to meet, or to talk, once every while. And my feeling is, no, that’s just not part of my life anymore. What we had once is gone. Its been gone for a long time.
So what would you do?
6 comments:
Run.
You're 100% right about what she's doing and thinking where you're concerned. Since you obviously haven't been pining for her, don't put yourself in the position of being the excuse she's looking for to escape her apparently-unfulfilling marriage.
I feel badly for her. You're right -- she's obviously lacking something in her marriage. She wants to go back to when things were good (or when she remembers them as being good). I can understand her -- the wanting to turn back time -- but I think it was a giant leap for her to try to make that happen.
Obviously, you have to do what's good for YOU, but maybe you can be gentle with her. It seems that she needs some softness in her life.
Jules. Tend to agree w/ you. No good can come of this.
Dawn. I feel bad for her too. I also know I am not the solution for the ills of her personal life. I've been pretty gentle.
Interesting delimena.
The only way to look at this issue is to be objective.
1) It has been 13 years so it would be logical to assume that the both of u have changed in many ways. As u said, she may view u as a symbol of passiom or as the person who can fill her void in her life. In any event, it doesn't matter what she sees in u know because she doesn't know u anymore. If she says she still loves u, then she is in love with her idea of u, not u.
2) She is married, well off with 2 children and U are an up and coming film producer so as the the saying goes, oil and water don't mix.
3) She has called u over 10 times in the past few days signifies that she still has delusional hopes of a reunion. Cleary she doesn't want to remember how toxic your relationship became that caused the break up. By still being persistant via phone calls and text messages, I would have to disagree with Dawn's assement of being gentle. Cleary, being gentle has led her on. So if u realy wanted the phone calls to end, u can, but it can not be gentle.
4) So the question remains, do u really want it to end? Does a part of u desire some form of reunion, whether it be physical or emotional? Only you would know the answer. But bewarned, Grumpy, any attempt to see her, whether it be out of good intentions or not, might lead you to a situation that u ultimately don't want to go. U are film buff so u don't want to end up as the boyfriend from the movie Unfaithful, do u? In any event, good luck for your problem. Remember, this is currently not a problem unless u want it to be!
I'm actually in the middle of a similar situation, except the time frames are shorter. I don't know what to do - I'm so over the guy romantically. He totally hurt me. But I like his writing (he's a produced screenwriter) and talking to him about movies and music. However, our conversations always turn back to, "how can I get you back?" It makes me uncomfortable. I accepted that he left me for someone else, now four years later, I wish he'd accept that I'm over him.
All of my friends tell me to stop picking up the phone, stop replying to emails. Down deep, I fear that if I did accept his advances, once he had me, he'd be bored again.
I suppose you could talk to her like once a month, not answer every call or email, be kind of distant, talk about the new woman in your life, and see, over time, if it seems like she genuinely wants to be your friend or if she's looking for drama she's not getting in her marriage.
Obviously, you're a little torn or you wouldn't blog about it.
Your consolation to an excruciating break-up is that you're forever remembered as "the one that got away." The only trick is that to keep that status you have to remain but a hazy memory. Rehashing things now will surely be messy; I'd stick with the memories of what once was rather than risk creating a newly painful situation.
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