Saw a friend last nite – went to a little gathering. It was ok. Not the best party. Thats not waht I want to talk about anyway.
Its more personal than that. This friend, lets call her J – hiding behind the fact that there are plenty of J names for women. J and I have something that is, or has been, at times, more than friendship. I feel for her more than friendship. She, well, she’s felt more than friendship at times, but for her, its best for us to be friends. That’s what she wants. We’ve talked it to death.
Problem is, well, me. I have plenty of friends. I don’t have plenty of women, over the last five years, that I feel for more than just friendship. I don’t know why its so rare now. Its been maybe a handful of times since my last serious relationships (I honestly cannot remember another time). Maybe I am more guarded than most people, maybe the Jeanne relationship was more impactful, even today, then I recognize.
Im going to California for a few months, maybe two? And so it was a good bye for J and I. Or at least so long. Seems like that there isn’t that much to say about this, as its not going anywhere further (maybe someday, she’s said, when she is ready for a “relationship” guy, which is the way I am viewed- she isn’t ready for that given her recent past – nonetheless, I take that all with some degree of skepticism, really, I do, really).
I feel pretty awful at the moment. I don’t have a reason, I haven’t lost anything perhaps. Maybe just some glimmer of hope, the hope that I have the capacity to feel this way as a person still.
Going to California is a clean way to cut off these feelings I have for J. That may help me feel better for the meantime. But then, having cut them off, having suffocated them like I’ve been telling myself to do for the last month, what will I have achieved. It will be to have snuffed out one of the few connections I have had to an emotional connection to another person, to a women, in years. And that makes the prospect of feeling better feel less better.
5 comments:
Not to sound all evangelical or anything, but everything works out like it's supposed to. Don't stress over something that's out of your control. Let J decide when she's ready -- and if you're in the same mindset, then it will be.
Last time I had a guy tear a hole in the fabric of my being, I decided to fill the void with new people. Not romantic interests, but every day I had at least one exchange that elevated a "passing acquaintance" to "friend." Engaging with new people got my mind off the hurt and one of them actually became my next serious relationship.
It's a good thing, G. If you can feel it with her, you can feel it with others. Your self-awareness is good, too -- it'll help you avoid myopia.
You're evolving, bubbeleh.
Dawn. Not sure I agree with you about how things work out, but at the same time, I agree with having nothing I can do about it.
Julie - Not that you're saying this, but she really hasnt done this. She hasnt played games. She's been open about her feelings, and is conflicted herself (or was).
Hopefully, you're right about the rest. Maybe I'd be better off regressing.
Oh no, I didn't think she was playing games. You don't seem the type to fall for someone who would.
It's a sucky feeling, but it passes. I promise.
Julie - Hope you're right.
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